Hey Jack,
There are endless options for going out on the town. When you come to NY for Season 8, here's a little intel tip: most New Yorkers live and die by their ZAGAT Survey book for all entertainment decisions. To help you understand what a ZAGAT Survey looks like, we've composed an example covering you:
Yo Bauer!
With all the talk of you coming to NYC next season, I figure it's time we start your Big Apple education with something all New Yorkers know and love- the knish. The knish is usually a mashed potato-filled, baked or fried portable treat. In addition to being a delicious snack, a knish has some counter-terror purposes as well:
A knish can be used to subdue an adversary. Throw the knish at any vulnerable spot- the eyes, nose or crotch preferably (it's a hefty little sucker).
A knish can flip over a high-speed vehicle. Place the knish under a wheel of a speeding car and watch that poor sunovabitch wipeout.
A knish can be used as a bomb. The exact ingredients are a mystery to this writer, but imagine a knish exploding all over your face. Hot. Potato. Pain.
A knish can give you street cred. If doesn't matter your ethnicity or what you do for a living- if you're rolling down the street munching on a knish, New Yorkers will give you respect-- you potato-loving badass.
A knish can exhaust your opponent's water supply. You've got a bad guy pinned down, but he's thinking of outlasting you. What do you do? Throw him a knish and watch him flail about uncontrollably when he becomes parched by this moisture-soaking delight. He'll be screaming for Doc Brown's Cream Soda in minutes.
We're just scratching the surface, folks. A knish is the culinary equivalent of duct tape.
As many of you know, Season 8 of "24" will be taking place in New York City. Now, I know it's a TV show and a pretty fast-moving one at that, but I have a little wish-list of things I'd like Jack and/or other characters to experience while spending a whole day here in the Big Apple:
1) Jack Needs To Stop At Katz's Deli: I know that Jack doesn't sleep, go to the bathroom or eat during a "day" on "24" but how the heck can you pass up the best deli in NYC? Service is very fast at Katz's, just make sure you know what you want beforehand. And truly, there's only one sandwich you need to get- the pastrami on rye with mustard. You'll be chasing down terrorists with the best cured-beef imaginable in your tummy.
2) Jack Needs To Stay Away From The Port Authority Bus Terminal: Look, Jack has faced the baddest of the bad over the years. He has died several times, withstood nuclear explosions and lots and lots of bone-crushing beatings. But Jack, take it from someone who's been there, the Port Authority Bus Terminal is a hell-hole. Do not go there. And definitely don't get a ham & brie sandwich from the Hudson News stand. And definitely don't eat it if you do... (blech).
3) Take The "Wormhole" Tunnel: At the South-most end of Manhattan Island, there's a tunnel that connects the West Side highway to the East Side Drive- this is the most important thing I can tell you people running "24"- use this road. It's the only legitimate way to get characters from one side of town to the other. It will cut 15 minutes off your commute. I know you had characters beating D.C. traffic very easily, and that's fine because nobody gives a crap about that plot convenience. But NYC traffic is a freakin' institution. You cannot ignore it. Use the "Wormhole"- you'll have your 5 minute commutes and they'll be realistic.
4) Make Sure It Isn't St. Patrick's Day: Seriously- NYC is an unbearable mess on St. Paddy's Day. First off, you got the parade, which will destroy any chance of getting anywhere. Next, you've got all of the high school/college kids from Long Island and Jersey coming in to get loaded. NYC becomes a thousand times more aggravating than usual on this day. I would let the terrorists try and deal with that crap on their own- they may agree that it's too aggravating a day and go home on their own.
5) Talk To The "Nuts For Nuts" Pushcart Guy: He sells delicious peanuts coated in sugar because he knows a few things about the world. He is a good person. Seek out his wisdom.
6) Buy An Al Pacino/"Scarface" Sketch In Times Square: That's a purchase that seems fun for about ten seconds, right? They might have some Jack Bauer sketches too, I'll check next time I'm there.
7) Scout The OTB on 44th and 7th Ave: I used to work on that side of town, and at lunch I'd go to the OTB and place a couple of small bets on that day's horse races. Well, let me tell you something, the place was crawling with criminal activity. You've got a huge reservoir of snitches and state's evidence sitting in that dingy little joint.
8) Incorporate... The "Mob": Hey, I'm not saying there is a mafia... but let's say for entertainment's sake you want the full NYC experience. Do it right by including a Vinnie, Joey or Frankie. Just one "howyadoin'?" is all I ask. But seriously, there's like NO proof at all that there's a mafia...
9) Jack Has To Meet The Mayor: There's a long-running trend in entertainment where a hero has to plead his or her case to the Mayor of New York. The Mayor is kind of a mythical being in fiction- the wise, cranky, petulant and all-powerful ruler of NYC. The president will call the Mayor and ask for his help. This is something I want to see continued. Remember, some of the best stuff in "Ghostbusters" was with the Mayor and Bill Murray.
10) Say "Hi" To Det. John McClane! You're both FOX-owned characters, so it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility that you two could have a cup of coffee or something, right? Imagine a 2 minute-long scene with "Yippee ki-yays" and "Dammits" being thrown about. Yeah... too long a scene.
Alan Wilson is a bad man. Not only was he responsible for the major conspiracies covering the past couple of seasons of "24" (and maybe even all the way back to the beginning of the series). But in our exclusive report below, we have been able to link Wilson to some very troubling events of recent years. They include, but are not limited to:
1. Wilson invented the McRib sandwich. Using a mind-altering food additive, he sold the sandwich to McDonald's, who deemed the McRib too powerful, thus offering it on a limited and intermittent basis.
2. Wilson launched Billy Ray Cyrus' career. Again, mind-control, this time embedding subliminal messages into music. Unhappy with its temporary effect, he abandoned the formula, reintroducing a modified version for Miley Cyrus a couple of years ago. No word in its long-term efficacy.
3. Wilson wrote the original "Star Wars" trilogy. No mind-control here, Wilson happens to be a talented writer (whose finger is on the pulse of the zeitgeist) composing all three movies in a weekend. Angry at Lucas for adding Ewoks into "Return of the Jedi," Wilson refused Lucas' pleas for help with the prequels. After Episode I premiered, Wilson gleefully named his flagship yacht "Jar Jar."
4. Wilson invented disco, and later killed it to prove a point to Aristotle Onasis (h/t to "Conspiracy Theory"- bonus to the reader who can tell me the line referenced).
5. Wilson refuses to let the Chicago Cubs win the World Series (another reason Tony Almeida wants to kill him). Steve Bartman was a trained assassin working for Wilson in 2003.
6. Wilson bought $599 million-worth of movie tickets to Titanic; it was truly supposed to flop. Why did he do it? To piss off Lucas (see #3 above).
7. Wilson is behind the mismatched number of hot dogs in a package vs. number hot dog buns sold (hot dogs come 10 to a pack, buns come 8 or 12). Genius, yes- it forces us into a never-ending cycle of buns and dogs. Damn you, sir.
8. Wilson ghost-writes 97% of all self-help and diet books-- all of which promote methods that are doomed to fail. Dr. Atkins, I presume?
9. Wilson was originally the subject of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" series of books. Upon reviewing Brown's research, his editor deemed the story too fantastic and told Brown to go focus on something more realistic, like Opus Dei or the Illuminati.
10. Wilson is a Dallas Cowboy's fan. No, he had nothing to do with their success, it just annoys me.
First, I want to thank all of you for supporting this site throughout Season 7. Without your loyalty and feedback, this site would be a joyless venture for me. I will continually update inbetween seasons, so do come back and visit! And if we lose touch, I can't wait to see you back here in January 2010.
Now, let me ask you something: do you like Billy Idol? Well, even if you don't, you need to see my latest collaboration with AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com.
Alright, gang this is the end of Season 7. What have we learned?
1) Tony is not "evil." He intended to take down Alan Wilson, the man responsible for the deaths of his wife, Michelle, and his unborn son (and David Palmer). This is the same man who helped orchestrate the Bluetooth group, Philip and Graem Bauer and Commander-in-Thief Charles Logan. This is a lot to learn in one episode. Something tells me we'll be chewing on the remainders of this revelation next season too. But back to Tony- he plotted to take down Wilson but apparently Jack Bauer made things complicated.
If we're to take Tony's plan seriously, we have to look back at how this would have played out had Bauer never intervened. Jonas Hodges was acquiring the bioweapon on behalf of Alan Wilson. Wilson and the group intended on deploying the weapon in several months. To that end, I think Tony's actions to infiltrate the group make some degree of sense. But Tony had to prove his worth to Wilson before he could get close to him, and that required that he steal the CIP device, wreak havoc around the country and personally kill several FBI agents along the way. Whatever the justification, Tony has truly fallen. His primary goal wasn't to prevent further deaths by Wilson, but to get right in the man's face and have his revenge. Tony will likely get the death penalty for his crimes. In the real world, he would never see freedom again.
But thankfully his motives make perfect sense given the losses he's suffered. His actions are that of a man who is numb to the world and those people who were once close to him. When you have nothing to lose, as Tony said last week, what is there to hold you back from doing whatever is necessary to see out your own goals? So, no- they didn't ruin Almeida's character at all. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. And the Imam's words with Jack Bauer could have just as easily been spoken to Tony:
"We live in complex times... nothing is black and white. But I do know this- I see before me a man, with all his flaws and all his goodness... simply a man. Let us both forgive ourselves for all of the wrongs we have done."Redemption comes from within, that's a major theme of this season.
Here is another collaboration with AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com- a spoof of Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun." We're previewing tonight's big 2-hour finale by going through Tony Almeida's journey up until this point. I'm not going to guilt you into watching this video, but we put a lot of work into it... so, yeah watch it, dammit!
The following is a letter we intercepted from the Virginia State Bar Association Committee on Character and Fitness to Cara "Fake Lawyer" Bowden. 
Dear Ms. Bowden,
It has come to our attention that you are representing yourself as an attorney without any verifiable proof of admission to the State of Virginia Bar (or any other acceptable jurisdiction). While we gladly accept your enthusiasm for the practice of law, we kindly ask that you refrain from any further acts as counsel until we can conduct a hearing into this matter.
Specifically, we have learned that you arrived at The White House earlier yesterday to meet with a client, Jonas Hodges, and gave him legal advice to kill himself. Normally, we would frown upon such conduct, as we tend to like our clients alive so they can pay any legal fees incurred. We therefore ask that you show proof that Mr. Hodges was current on his bills with your office, in which case we will make a special dispensation for your unique and inventive legal strategy. We appreciate anyone who is willing to do what it takes to not lose a case.
We have also been informed that you are working in concert with a group of domestic terrorists in forming a plot to kill potentially thousands of innocent American lives. Again, we cannot make a determination on your legal philosophy at present. In Virginia, we welcome all kinds of attorneys to practice- bad lawyers, drunk lawyers and even some downright reprehensible individuals. It is our goal to diversify the profession with men and women that are innovative thinkers. We applaud your efforts to this end, and we look forward to hearing your rationale for this conduct. We are currently re-drafting our Rules on Professional Responsibility and are open to any suggestions you may have to offer.
Unfortunately, we can only permit so much. The conspiracy, the murders, the violation of state and Federal laws are all subject to discussion- but to practice without a license is something we cannot allow.
Please see the attached form detailing the time and place of your hearing. You are entitled to counsel or you can continue do represent yourself- something we would find deeply entertaining.
Sincerely,
State of Virginia Bar Association
Committee on Character and Fitness
CHLOE VERSUS JANIS! CVJ! OMG! LOLZ!
Special thanks go to Kasia for giving me the idea!
This one is for Dr. Alice- here's the original poster for AVP2 (Aliens v. Predators):
