Wednesday, February 07, 2007

CTU Interrogator Rick Burke's Online Dating Profile

"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

Name: Rick Burke
Age: 36
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ccupation: Interrogator, Counter-Terrorist Unit, Los Angeles
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eight: 5'10"
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uild: Athletic
Sign: Pisces
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avorite Movie: "What Lies Beneath"
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avorite Song: "Just Gimme Some Truth" by John Lennon

Little About Me: Hey, I'm Rick, but everyone I know calls me "Burke." I'm a fun-loving, laid-back guy who tries to keep his work at the office (man, don't we all?). I fill my free-time with hobbies- I love to cook, I'm an amateur botanist, I play the jazz saxophone, and I have devoted myself to the intravenous use of inhibitory neurotransmitters, truly an overlooked art-form.

About My Ideal Match: I really focus on a girl's eyes. They say that eyes are the window into a person's soul. I know that when I look into a woman's eyes I can see her whole mind at work. I also like a girl with solid body language. I like confident gestures, I feel a lot more comfortable with a girl that doesn't look left or right when talking. Shifty eyes are such a turn-off!

What I've Learned From Past Relationships: I've been burned, you could say. My first girlfriend was the love of my life. We were engaged when I found out she was messing around with my best friend. That's when I started putting up walls inside. I've tried dating since, but I guess it takes time to make things right again, ya know? Right now I operate under the assumption that all women lying, deceitful bloodsuckers. But hey, maybe you can prove me wrong!

My Ideal Date: You can come to my place, like I said, I like to cook. I'll make my specialty: veal scallopini, which I like to serve with steamed asparagus and a light Pino Grigio. Then I'd want for us to have an in-depth conversation; I want to get to know you- your likes, dislikes, plans for the future, and any relevant past acts that might effect any potential relationship between the two of us. If you're really adventurous, you'll consent to my setting you up with my brand-new thermal-imaging camera. I can record the whole conversation and you and I will have that memory to cherish for years to come. But I'm a spontaneous guy, we can employ any number of methods to "stimulate" our conversation, that all depends on how talkative you're feeling at the time. And while we're having our talk (and you'll secured to this really comfy chair I got in the back office), I can also play a little jazz saxophone for you! Man, I love it so much, I can play for hours. So, if this sounds like your ideal date too, email me and we can get together!

5 comments:

Lou said...

Nice. I like how each entry transitions from the normal fare you'd find on those sort of sites to something substantially creepier.

Adam said...

Burke and Jack do not get along whatsoever. Last season, Burke decked Jack on the floor of CTU after the Audrey interrogation. This season, Burke pulled his sidearm on Jack during the Graem interrogation. And if you think about it, Burke is the reason Tony Almeida is dead- Burke told Jack that Chris Henderson was in a coma, non-responsive. If Burke was more skilled, would he have left Henderson alone for Tony to come into the room? Ah, the what ifs.

Adam said...

And Lou, you're 100% on the money about this rendition of Burke- what type of sociopath makes this his daily job? And what does he do inbetween "needle appointments?" Is he a line cook at the CTU commissary? The possibilities for humor with a character like this are plentiful.

Of course, I'm *really* pissed that Graem is gone. He was my gravy train for this season. Curtis is dead. Graem is dead. I mean, are they trying to kill this site? DAMMIT!

Rickey Henderson said...

I like to think that Burke enjoys flagellating himself silly when he's not hard at work hooking people up to sodium penthanol.

Funny sodium penthanol story: I googled it to find out what exactly it is. One of the page results was a medical message board where some random guy comes on and says something like: "hey guys, where can I get me some sodium penthanol?" Then everyone there realizes he's a total wacko and they all go nuts and start calling him a sick bastard, etc... Good times.

Adam said...

Rickey, that was probably Burke trying so score some black-market shit.

Let's get a bet going on who Burke helps interrogate next! I choose Milo!

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