Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jack Needs A Suit!: A "24" Picture-Book

Remember when you were a kid and you had those fun little picture-books? The stories were always pretty simple: "Clifford Gets A Birthday Cake" or "The Berenstain Bears Get Discriminated Against By The Anti-Semitic Co-op Board." Well, here's a "24" picture-book for you to share with your children- it's called "Jack Needs A Suit!"

"Jack, sweetie, Josh is really OUR son. And tonight he has a big piano recital, you really should come."

"DAMMIT! I hate piano recitals!"

"He's playing Pachelbel's Canon in D!"

"I'm screwed... I don't even have anything nice to wear... well Buchanan is a pimp, maybe he can help."

"Bill, it's Jack. I don't have time to explain, where do you get your suits?"
"Don't worry about it, Jack. I've given up on the fact that I outrank you. I get my suits from Charles Logan, he's the best tailor in the state."
"Copy that... I gotta see if I can get out of going to this recital, I'll call you back, Bill."
"Wait, Jack, there are terrorists-"

"Marilyn, you're killin' me. Do I have to go to this thing?"

"Look, Mister. While you were racking up kills and getting in bed with those damsels in distress, I was busy changing our baby's diapers, and sitting up with him when he had a fever. You're not getting out it this!"

"Now, tell our son you're going to his recital tonight!"
"Josh, my name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. I am also your father. You're going to have to trust me, I swear to you that I will be at your recital tonight."
"Sweet, you're gonna be a much cooler dad than that other dude!"

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"I can't believe I'm asking this bastard to make me a suit."

"I know why you're here Jack... you need a suit."

(silence)

"Come on, ya big baby. I've got something I think you're going to love."
"Hey, Chuck, you have anything that can cover these horrendous scars on my hand. China was a bitch."

"Oh, here comes the guilt-trip. Look, when these Italian wools hit your skin, you're going to forget all about that China thing. Got a big night planned?"

"I was thinking of taking your ex-wife out."

"Not funny, Jack. I happen to know for a fact that you're going to a piano recital tonight. What, you think I don't have my sources? Jack, going to the recital is the wrong play. You should get a paternity test. Marilyn smells all those government checks piling up since you've been gone."

"You guys actually pay me for this? Damn... I gotta make a call to Wayne."

"Enough small talk, Jack. Let's see if we can't make you look civilized, yes?"

TWO HOURS LATER...

Jack has his suit and he calls Marilyn.

"Okay, we're gonna all go together in the minivan."

"Marilyn, I swear to you this doesn't end here. Bye, honey."

13 comments:

Jeanie said...

Funny funny funny! You keep topping yourself. This is hysterical! Keep it coming!

Rickey Henderson said...

"DAMMIT! I hate piano recitals!"

Hahha--strong work once again. Now where the hell is this Media Shuffle guy with this week's carnival? I thought conservatives were supposed to be punctual...

King Tom said...

An Italian suit?

The former president doesn't have some type of buy-American clause in his tailoring contracts?

Anonymous said...

How DO you come up with this stuff?? EXCELLENT!

2266 said...

Bwahahahah! My sides hurt from laughing so hard! Buchanan is a pimp! This was so good!

Adam said...

Thanks for the feedback everbody! I'm glad you're all digging the site. No pressure to keep it up, right? ;)

King Tom: Yeah, that's why Logan was removed from office- he was caught working with foregn textiles.

Anonymous said...

One of your best, Adam!

Lou said...

Brilliant. Just...brilliant.

jon said...

lol! you're killing me. :)

Dave said...

Excellent!

Marilyn "I Love Jack" Bauer said...

You picked the worst pic of me!

Anonymous said...

Tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.

Glad to have found your blog.

Nah, no pressure at all to keep posting the terrific humor.

Not everyone has the gift of humor, but you certainly do!

Adam said...

Thank you for your tears (of joy). Anytime I can make someone cry, I feel I've done my job. :)