Wednesday, April 18, 2007

DID THE JACK SACK HAVE COSMETIC SURGERY? Here's an exclusive interview!

Reports are flying into our offices stating that The Jack Sack does NOT look like our trusty canvas friend from last season. And after we saw the above photo, we grew concerned that we might have an interloper, a mole or some deviant drunk manpurse running around with Jack on missions of a critical nature. Well, worry not, ladies and gents- we went straight to the source and asked what the deal is with the new look:

Q: Hi, Jack Sack, I have to say we're all very pleased to have you back on the show.

A: Why thank you! I have had a lot of people come up to me on the street and say the same thing, but it doesn't get old, let me tell you.

Q: I hope I'm not offending you here, but I have to ask right at the start- what's with the new look?

A: Ah, not a problem asking-- the people have a right to know. It began less than two years ago. Jack and I were both kidnapped and taken on a slowboat to China. Dare I say, I felt the end had finally come. The Chinese went to work on 'ol Jack right away. And me? Well, while canvas material is sturdy, it still frays. My captors started with my shoulder strap, twisting it around and around until I saw stars. But I wasn't going to give them any information. Then... then, they started to soil me with unmentionable fluids. I know children may be reading this, and I dare not say anything further about that episode. But the Chinese were relentless- they used knives, boots, a drunk rooster-- anything they could produce that would terrify or cause me pain. At the end of those two years, I was not the same sack any longer.

Q: Wow, that's compelling stuff, Jack Sack. Do you want to take a moment to collect yourself?

A: No! (sigh) I am fine, let's continue-- please.

Q: So, after being tortured and mutilated, what happened next?

A: Things happened quickly. I was thrown in a garbage bag and taken to what I later found out was a local dump. The Chinese simply tossed me in with the trash. I could barely speak, I was left for dead out on the pile. And that's when Audrey Raines came and found me. Audrey recognized me immediately. She tended to my wounds, temporarily stitching me up so that I could at least start to heal. Audrey asked about Jack, I told her everything I knew and she and I retired to her hotel for much needed rest. Audrey is a magnificent woman.

Q: You know, a lot of fans of "24" actually hate Audrey, and they're really annoyed that she's back this season, what do you--

A: Audrey is a flower! She is in full bloom, and I will always adore the woman. I may be some worn-out canvas bag, but Audrey understands me. What we shared in China, even for one recklessly passionate night, will be with me for all of my days.

Q: Are you saying that you and Audrey hooked up in China?

A: Next question, please.

Q: Well, back to the beginning question really, how did this new look come to be?

A: After I was healthy enough to travel again, Audrey shipped me to a friend's place in New York City. Her friend, Armand, was a hot new designer that just came onto the fashion scene. I lived in a doorman's building in Chelsea with Armand for five months while he personally performed a miracle reconstruction on me-- new straps, new pockets, and a lot of Midori Sours. Armand, you're a prince!

Q: So, what does your new look mean to you?

A: It's about having a second chance. Life comes so quickly at times, you end up making mistakes that you look back at later with regret. My new look is a symbol of a new opportunity to do the things I've always wanted to, but never had the chance to pursue in the past. Jack is my number one priority, however. And of course, there's Audrey. I know I'll never be with Audrey, but I have to help save her regardless. If it weren't for her, I would be covered with banana peels and bootleg versions of "Basic Instinct 2" in some Beijing city dump. No, I've come back to help Jack exact certain revenge.

10 comments:

The Man said...

Jack Sack 2.0 does not look like it can hold all of Jack's gear. Looks a little wimpy.

Adam said...

Hey!

Watch it with the "wimpy" talk. A few months living in Chelsea does not a wimp make!

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Adam said...

Ya know, I will eventually delete this SPAM but it's nice to know that The Jack Sack has attracted the water bong marketers. Yikes.

glockspeak said...

*wiping tears, lip quivering with emotion* I always knew you and Jack would be back together. The spiritual connection the two of you share is, well, unlike anything else I've ever seen. *sob* I love you jacksack.

Sally said...

The Jack Sack loves Audrey. See, I tolja she wasn't all bad!

Adam said...

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Sally said...

I'm so wasted!

Sally said...

I'm so wasted!

Adam said...

See, now Sally knows how to write a comment!

:)