The following is an update on the CTU Los Angeles softball team from their manager, Lou Petrocelli:
Hey Bauer, quit f@#$ing with my team!
Two months ago, I would have bet my wife's kidneys that our team was on its way to its second annual softball league championship. We had strong pitching with that Bill Buchanan guy on the mound. And woah Nelly, did we have a power threat with Curtis Manning batting clean-up. Well, after the crap that went down today, I don't even see us finishing with a winning record. And I'm telling you, those a@#holes from the Xerox repair company don't deserve to win the league. They're a bunch of bums, I tell ya!
But how did our team go to pieces, you ask? It all began the second that scrub Jack Bauer showed up. Each time I hear this guy's name, I cringe. I've lost more top-shelf players to Bauer's antics than I care to think about. My best player ever, Tony Almeida, could have played professional ball if he wanted. With Tony, all I had to say was "knock the cover off the ball" and he'd go out there and do damage. And sure enough, two years ago when Bauer comes back from the dead, I lose Tony to the terrorists. Yeah, I hear rumors that Tony didn't really die, and that he's moonlighting in the Arizona league playing for a Pepsi Bottler squad, but dead or not, the bottom line is Tony ain't on my team no more. But that was okay, because I still had Curtis Manning. That guy was a freakin' animal with that swing of his. I remember last year when 'ol "Hot Chocolate" as we liked to call him, came out and hit us three home runs in the championship game. But then Bauer came back from the dead again, and this time he didn't just manage to get my best player killed, Jack went and shot Curtis himself!
Now I gotta use that needle-poker Rick Burke to bat clean-up and I gotta tell ya, the guy freaks me out. He mumbles to himself all day long and when he goes up to hit, he makes the bat boy crank Kenny G music out of a boombox for walk-on music. I would tell Burke to knock it off, but I'm worried I'm gonna end up in a garbage bag in little pieces. And like I said earlier, Bill Buchanan was my ace pitcher. But yet again, with Bauer back in town, Bill loses his job. I gotta talk to that Nadia chick about letting Buchanan stay on the company's team because I have no other pitching options. The other guy, Morris O'Brian, was okay (he learned how to pitch by playing cricket as a kid) but Morris took a 5/8 drill bit to his throwing shoulder! Call me crazy, but somehow I think Bauer had something to do with it.
Why is it Bauer can't shoot Milo or some of the girls in the office? Why does this guy have to come back every two years and get all of my best players killed or fired? I just don't get it. See, a long while back, Bauer was on the team and he was pretty good. Except when he made an out. He'd start screaming at the pitcher "Who do you work for?!" and he's start whaling on the bench with his bat, screaming "DAMMIT!" I'm all for intensity on the field, but Bauer took it too far. And this new kid, Mike Doyle looked good when I first saw him walk through the door, but I'm worried that he's got the same instinct to choke teammates and umpires like Bauer.
Sure, I'm competitive, but I don't ask for much. I just want players that don't keep getting killed. It drives me nuts, I tell ya. Nuts! So, Jack, if you're reading this, please stop killing my team and maybe go drop by the Xerox repair office and even out the kills with those bums. That would be a big help.
Related Post: Jack gets kicked off a non-CTU softball team