Friday, November 30, 2007

CTU Inter-Office Memo from Howie the Security Guy

TO: Steve, the new security guy
FROM: Howie, the retiring security guy
RE: You luck bastard!

Welcome to the team, you lucky bastard. Unbelievable. I've worked at CTU Los Angeles for the past ten years. The job started out great, good benefits, a government pension and all Federal holidays. I thought "Great, with this job, I can focus on my music career, maybe get some traveling in too." And then Jack Bauer had to show up and screw the whole damned thing up. It's a miracle I'm even alive to write this memo to you. Who's Jack Bauer, you ask? Oh yeah, that's right, he doesn't work here anymore, so you're totally out-of-the-loop! It almost doesn't even matter because your job has become a million times easier (and more safe). But I'll tell you anyway, so you realize how your job is a f@#$ing cake-walk compared to what I've dealt with.

Good 'ol Jack Bauer. Got his wife killed at the office. Jack got a few people shot at the office. Jack was around when terrorists unleashed nerve gas on the office too. Heck, he even got the office blown up! (see below).


But now, Jack is gone. He's off in D.C. testifying that he tortured bad guys. Yeah? What about me, Jack? Every single day you showed up to work, I was in a constant state of terror. And I never got a raise since I was there! Why? Because I never had a consecutive review by a CTU Director (they kept getting fired or killed too). We're talking at least 12 different directors in the 10 years I worked at CTU. Thanks a lot, Jack.

Yeah, Steve, so the next time the coffee machine goes on the fritz in the break room, just be glad you aren't inhaling nerve gas or getting hosed down with bullets by some Chinese mercenaries. And don't use the middle bathroom stall on the second floor, it gets jammed up all the time.

A#@hole.

7 comments:

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey imagines that the mandatory OSHA training classes held at CTU must be pretty interesting.

Gregg said...

You should have added a line about Howie getting his A#$ kicked whenever he tried to stop Jack from leaving the building during a "lockdown" ...

AmyV said...

Jack got the last OSHA trainer killed.

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed, something along the lines of: "DAMNIT, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO REVIEW PROPER BUILDING EVACUATION PROCEEDURES!"

or

"DAMNIT, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THIS FIRE EXTINGUISHER TRAINING!"

Adam said...

Basically, the working conditions at CTU were straight out of a Charles Dickens novel.

Haley said...

Well, CTU does produce quite a few orphans. Very Dickensian.

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