Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Old Business, New Business...

Old Business: Reminder, tomorrow The Jack Sack is hosting this week's CARNIVAL OF BAUER. Please check back for this week's collection of reviews, reactions, and funny items. Graem Bauer is a fountain of material, so I can't wait to see what you all have to say.

New Business: "What's in your Jack Sack?" A lot of readers actually own a Jack Sack. Everyone uses it for different purposes- briefcase, hunting bag, a place to put the baby's diapers! Let me know what you put in your Jack Sack. I want to feature your responses in the sidebar, so if you have pictures that you're willing to share, that would be awesome. And your name and city would be appreciated too (you don't have to use your real name if you don't like, but some codeword that let's you and your friends know you made it on the site). Please email your responses to:

And finally, THANK YOU to all the readers. This has been a great week for this fledgling blog traffic-wise. I hope you're having at least half the fun reading it as I have had writing it. And folks, don't go anywhere, we're just getting started!

The Jack Sack: An International Phenomenon

Now, stepping out from behind my curtain I want to take a moment to recognize something crazy: like a lot of blogs out there, people from all over the world have access to what we publish. Earlier today, I started to notice a large number of visitors coming here from Hungary. I investigated the connection and found this page. Check out the video on their page, it's hilarious.

So, I'm taking this opportunity to thank all of the "24" fans from Hungary (and around the world-- Turkey, Germany, the UK, Ireland, Australia, The Netherlands, Taiwan, Spain, India, Canada, Argentina, Sweden and New Jersey) for coming to this site. You are always welcome here! Please come back often as The Jack Sack is updated regularly.

Nagyon szépen köszönöm!

Graem Bauer: "I ain't no Luke Brower!"

Some people view the addition of Jack Bauer's brother, Graem, with a bit of skepticism. Last season, Graem, a then-unnamed Bluetooth-wearing villain, was nothing more than a vague mystery. Now, during Day 6, it has been revealed that Graem is indeed Jack's brother. Some viewers see Graem's relation to Jack as a little bit too convenient. Well, in the spirit of breaking the "fourth-wall" here is a response from brother Graem:

During my celibate twenties, one of my all-time favorite shows was Alan Thicke's sitcom "Growing Pains" about a couple raising a bunch of precocious kids in comfy suburbia. Alan Thicke was the father I wish I had- a therapist who listened to his kids, who showed them attention and gave them love (you reading this, Dad?). For years, this was the best thing on television. I never missed an episode (little secret: I was totally crushing on Tracey Gold- what, like you weren't? ) Anyway, during the last season of the show, "Growing Pains" desperately introduced a new character, a troubled teen named Luke Brower. The idea was that Luke would keep the whole Seaver clan on their toes with his juvenile delinquency and cute smile. But, in the end, he was just a product of lazy writing- a cheap (and failed) way to boost the ratings. Now some of you think I'm also some sort of gimmick, but I'm here to tell you: I ain't no Luke Brower.

Nope, I want you to see me as Dawn Summers, sister to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I'm the sibling that's always been there but who was busy doing other stuff in prior seasons. And the more you get to know me, the more you'll want to see me be the real star of the show! I'm fresh! I'm putting more Bauer into the Power Hour! Doesn't that excite you folks? What makes Jack so great? Last time I checked, he was being burned with battery acid in a Chinese prison! And his wife is dead! (Damn, I love saying that!) The difference between Jack and me is that I control Presidents, while Jack wears a purse. You tell me who's the bigger man! But no, you're all just like my miserable family- they all LOVE Jack-- Dad, my wife... and my "son," Josh.

However you feel about me right now, I know you're all going to love me soon enough. I'm not a desperate ploy by writers who have run out of ideas-- I'm the next big thing! Before the day is done, you're all going to forget about Jack Bauer. "The Jack Sack" fad is coming to an end, people. They're going to have to change the name of this blog to "The Bluetooth™ Bauer!"

This message was brought to you by Poochie of "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie."

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

DAY 6 Prequel: The Bauer Situation

How did the U.S. get Jack Bauer back from China? To find out, read this overheard conversation between President Wayne Palmer and Jules Winnfield from about two weeks ago.

WAYNE: Jules, we got a situation. I gotta send you to China to take care of some important business for me.

JULES: What kind of business.

WAYNE: Straight delivery. The package is "fragile" if you get my meaning. Drop this briefcase off, take "payment" and come home.

JULES: Hmmm, China. Never been, what can you tell me bout the place?

WAYNE: Well, you know what's the funniest thing about China? It's the little differences.

JULES: Examples?

WAYNE: Well in China you can't express your views openly if they conflict with that of the government. Political dissidents are locked up and-

JULES: Woah, woah, woah. Mr. President, it's Jules you're talking to here, you don't gotta front like some cracker-ass-cracker, ya dig? What shit is goin' down in China that I need to know about?

WAYNE: Alright, I feel ya. So check this shit out- You seen the news, right? Crazy shit is goin' down and I got a gov'ment full of white boys waitin' to die. I ain't got nobody ready to take care of business. Now, I know you been out of the game for a while, walking the earth and shit. But playa, the game is calling you back! Your motherfucking country needs you!

JULES: Well, Mr. President, just tell me- what do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Beijing?

WAYNE: Son, are you high? Get yoself to China, drop off this here briefcase so they can release back to us the only cracker worth saving up in this bitch.

JULES: Wait a minute. I'm goin' to China to save some white dude? Oh Hell no! Now you know me, Mr. President. When push meets shove, you know I take care of business. But this is some fucked up shit right here.

WAYNE: I've grasped that, Jules. And I'm telling you I'm on the motherfucker. Go to China, drop off the case and bring back Jack Bauer, who will be given to you directly.

JULES: You sending me to get The Bauer?

WAYNE: Feel better?

JULES: Shit Wayne, that's all you had to say!

Monday, January 29, 2007

An Open Letter From Graem Bauer to His Father, Phillip

Dictated to a Palm Treo via a Bluetooth headset device:

Hi Dad,

You could say this letter is a few years overdue. Sometimes life happens so fast you don't know what's what until the dust settles. And you've always been busy with your stuff too, so I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, I hope you understand.

Dad, I sometimes get the feeling like you and Mom never really wanted me. I know, you love me and all, but I don't know if you ever really liked me. Is this about you and Jack? Yeah, it is! Growing up, all I ever heard about was "Jack blew up this bad guy, Jack saved us from that disaster," etc. You always talked about Jack like you were proud of him. With me it was "Graem, you're 13 years old, why are you going bald?" Or "Graem, why can't you meet hot, easy women like your brother Jack?" Well, it wasn't easy, Dad. When Jack ran off to become a superhero, I was the one the one who stayed behind to run the family business with you. Not once did you give me a little recognition, not even after I made President Logan my personal manservant a couple of years ago. I would tell Logan the exact words to say on the phone and they'd come right out of his mouth on T.V. Remember I even had the President call you and sing "Happy Birthday"? All I wanted to hear from you was "Graem, I'm SO proud of you, controlling the President like a puppet!" THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED FROM YOU!

And to think, Jack has been out of the picture for 9 years now and it's like he's still here, taunting me behind your back. Come on, Dad, you named the fucking pig after him! And now, the pig is laughing at me! Well, that pig is on the next slow-boat to China. Do you know what they do to pigs out there?

I bet you're laughing at this letter. You're probably thinking "Wow, my son Graem is a real pansy-ass." Well, I don't know what else I have to do to prove that I'm a man, but whatever it takes, whoever I gotta kill (including you!), just know that before the day is done, you're going to be proud of me.

Oh, I almost forgot, Marilyn is cooking a brisket tonight. I'll see you at the house at 6pm.



Saturday, January 27, 2007


This Thursday (2/1) the CARNIVAL OF BAUER is going to take place right here at The Jack Sack!

Many of you know the drill- we're looking for reviews, commentary, humor pieces and anything else "24"-related. If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (1/31).

You have two options to submit your articles:
1) Email your post to with "Carnival of Bauer" in the subject, or
2) Use the Carnival submission form, linked via the button below.

Special thanks to Jack Bauer of Blogs4Bauer for letting The Jack Sack carry the load.

Friday, January 26, 2007

The "other" Jack Sack wishes to speak... (yikes).

In addition to learning of Jack's villainous brother, Graem, last week's episode introduced us to Jack's so-called nephew, Josh. Everyone, including Graem, seems to agree that the kid is probably Jack's (See a preceding scene with Jack's brother and wife, Marilyn: "Honey, remember when you used to shtupp my brother?") Before we speculate on this matter any further, here is a message from an authority on this issue... the "other" Jack Sack...

Let's cut to the chase: the kid is my work.

You know, I would be happy to give you all the details, but my memory is totally shot after that 20-month all-expense paid trip to Hell that some of you know as China... where balls go to die.

But back to this kid situation. I went through some old photos to see if anything would jog my memory and I found this picture which pretty much tells the whole story. Here we have Jack being social and drunk, and me sitting there, bored out of my skin. I asked Jack if I could get some reading light, I was doing a crossword puzzle, and the guy was just drunk enough to oblige. And somehow, when I wasn't looking, he drunk-dialed his sister-in-law, Marilyn and the rest is a mix of Peach Schnapps and Byran Adams tapes. I know the story could be better, but remember that I'm just learning how to function again. And typing was never easy for me, even before China!

Ah, but look at the boy. It's amazing how something so soft and cuddly could come from such a tormented night. Folks, that's the miracle of life!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Jack Sack is the NEW black!

The Seattle Times has a nice feature on "the world's deadliest" and apparently most-fashionable manpurse, The Jack Sack. And if you feel the need to bring a hacksaw to work, don't hesitate to purchase your very own Jack Sack (and you're allowed to rename him, kind of like a Cabbage Patch Kid-- but I wouldn't recommend it).

Check the link on the sidebar for best price on the most popular messenger bag in the country (it's actually ranked #1 on!). COPY THAT!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

NEW CONTRIBUTOR- The Bluetooth!™

"The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist." - Some bad guy

It is I, The Bluetooth, the greatest criminal mind of our time!

Welcome to my personal area network of evil (PANE!). I'm proud to say that the death, the assassinating, the chaos-- that's all me baby. You were thinking that bald, insecure and sexually ineffective man in the picture was the real bad guy, right? The truth is that Graem "The Cracker" Bauer is a nobody, he's simply my vessel-- the meek exterior for my superior intellect! It really is quite simple, I speak and Graem obeys my command. Pretty sneaky, no? I told you I was a criminal mastermind.

Have I said too much? Well, since your country has already lost, it couldn't hurt to let you in on the whole enterprise. The Bluetooth Consortium is the latest incarnation of an international cabal controlling human events for the past several centuries. Daniel Brown's silly tome "The DaVinci Code" touched on one of our older brand names, the Illuminati, which was a smashing success. However, modern times call for fresh business models. And the current plot is really quite brilliant in its simplicity: we spent money lobbying your corruptible politicians to pass "public safety" legislation requiring motorists to use "hands-free" phone devices over the past several years. As each state has enacted these laws, Bluetooth™ wireless devices have become commonplace, controlling your every action. We seek hosts that have access to money and who hold positions of power. Statistically, that skews our demographic to pale white men. Of course a few lucky ones get the real good assignments.

But me? I get "Fredo" Bauer, the one host no other Bluetooth wanted. Do you want to know the worst part about being his headset? Taking baths with him. Yep, Graem is completely scared of drowning in the bathtub, so I gotta stay on his ear the whole time. People, bathtime is second only to his "lovemaking" as the single most depressing routine I have ever witnessed.

Headquarters tells us not to get too close to our hosts, but I admit to looking at his journal. People... it's really bad. When Graem turned 16, he got a Commodore 64 computer while his brother, Jack Bauer, got a Corvette. And I am not certain, but I think Graem's first sexual experience was with a horse, as he speaks of feeling "naughty" when he watches the Kentucky Derby. All of this is enough to ruin a man's production of testosterone.

And now, big brother Jack has come to beat the snot out of the poor bastard. As you all know, Graem obeys my every command. So, remember that line where he dissed Jack's dead wife? Hehehe, yep, my idea! I know, I know, it wasn't nice but I'm evil! Seeing Jack maul his little brother is a lot more fun than watching another afternoon of CNBC. I keep telling him: "Little man, Bluetooth™ is the only stock you need to buy!"


(Note: For best results, it is suggested that this article be read aloud and in a British accent)

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Jack Sack's tips for surviving a nuclear blast

Aside from being "the world's deadliest manpurse," The Jack Sack is also a certified grief counselor. So here are a few tips The Jack Sack has for Jack Bauer following the nuke blast in Valencia, CA:

1. Don't look at the bloody thing! A nuclear blast consists of three elements, all dangerous: the blast radius, radiation and light. If you think looking into the sun is tough, try taking in the flash off a nuke blast. Unless you're blessed with a second eyelid, look away!

2. Quit your job in a rash, emotional frame of mind. Generally speaking, the last thing you want to think about is office work, am I right? Well how about after a nuke goes off? HELL NO! Quit your job, it will give you a momentary sense of power that you need to come out on the other side of this traumatic event. If you're game, rip a few tags off the matresses in your house too.

3. If you want to cry, let it out. Crying is good! It's best that you do it- but for the sake of your own well-cultivated image as a badass, do it alone or where nobody can see your face. I mean this is war, pal, don't you forget it! Oh, and puking is optional.

4. If you feel better after crying, see if you can get your job back. Ok, so you've had your moment to yourself, you're feeling a lot better thanks to the cleansing power of tears. Here's the moment when you snap back into your old habits, and nothing is better for that than getting back your old job. If you're going to return to your old job, don't ask for it- take it back from your old boss. He will be confused and ask you "Wait, I thought you said you were out?" Yeah, well guess what, NOT AFTER THIS! Your erradic behavior will overwhelm your former employer and faster than you can say W-2, you will be back on the payroll!

5. Kill. Kill. Kill. Okay, the terrorists had to go an use a nuke. Well, Jack, you know what that means: GAME ON. Now that you've successfully navigated several stages of grief, you're able to be a functional kill machine again. I mean let's be honest, acceptance is never going to happen, so skip that stage and get to a new stage I like to call "revenge." You've got to stay ahead of the curve all day long, so the kill count is going to get pretty high. Get on it and make the world a safer place by killing as many bad dudes as possible.

Well, that's it for now, I'm glad we had this talk!

Thursday, January 18, 2007


See the bottom of the review for the update!

We're going to try a new feature here: movie reviews by The Jack Sack. Since I've been holed up at CTU for these past four hours, I figure the least I can do is put some extra content on the blog. What better place to start than to offer a movie review of a current release. This week's review is of Alfonso Cuarón's dystopian thriller CHILDREN OF MEN.

PLOT: Set in the not-too-distant future (2027 A.D.) the story follows the depressed and bleak existence of humanity in a world where there are no longer any children. That's right, humans have failed to reproduce for nearly 20 years because of some unexplained species-wide female infertility. So, what happens to humanity when it faces a long, drawn-out extinction? Lots of bad things!

The film's protagonist is a British paper pusher named Theo (Clive Owen) who drinks his coffee black, to match his dreadful demeanor. He quickly gets mixed up with a militant underground movement called the Fishes, who seek to change the British government's harsh immigration policies. The leader of the Fishes, Julian, also happens to be Theo's ex-wife, a smartly dressed revolutionary played by Julianne Moore. Julian seeks Theo's help in transporting Kee, a young West African refugee (or "foogie"), to the coast, where she can be taken away from "not so" Great Britain. Theo, through financial coercion, agrees to help.

What follows is a series of violent and unpredictable scenes that immerse the viewer in the journey to deliver Kee to freedom. Oh, and for the kicker: Kee, happens to be pregnant. What's at stake is quite simply the "key" to solving the single most important problem in humanity's history. If Kee can be delivered to an ambiguously described consortium of biologists and scientists known as The Human Project, then maybe there's hope for the rest of us.

THOUGHTS: This movie surprised me. I was worried that such a politically charged movie as this would be preachy and ponderous. Instead, the movie takes great pains to not take any sides politically. No one side is correct. And in CHILDREN OF MEN politics is a part of the context, not the movie's theme. The movie's themes, about hope, human decency and fear, are dealt with intelligently. And as I mentioned above, the movie is indeed a "thriller."

In fact, Cuarón has made one of the most exciting movies I've seen in quite a while. The camera never leaves "eye-level" and you're always involved in what's taking place on screen. And one of the coolest technical tricks Cuarón pulls off are some elaborate action scenes that are captured with ongoing shots that take place for several minutes on end. One doesn't notice them without looking (someone tipped me off to it before I saw the movie) but they help to make the movie completely mesmerizing.

The acting in this movie was excellent overall. Clive Owen, an actor that has never impressed me greatly in the past, was flawless in his performance as a haggard, middle-aged man living amongst a world of hopelessness. Owen is unimposing and very subtle in revealing his emotions, and he serves as the eyes and ears for the viewer, showing us a world that is horrific but not unimaginable. Julianne Moore was less prominent, but she got the job done. Michael Caine shows up as Theo's aged hippie pal, Jasper, and he makes the most of his supporting role. And the rest of the cast all manage to bring their roles to life in this extremely involving movie.

If you were looking for anything negative in this review, guess what? I've nothing bad to say about this movie! CHILDREN OF MEN is a downer, but its a worthwhile, smart and gripping downer if there ever was one. I recommend the film to anyone above the age of 14, as while the violence is not gory, it is quite graphic and unflinching... well, nothing less than what I have to deal with on a typical day with my pal, Jack Bauer.

SCORE: (out of a possible five sacks)

[UPDATE] I wanted to add a new section to this review called: WHAT WOULD JACK HAVE DONE? In CHILDREN OF MEN, Jack Bauer would have done things a bit differently. First, he would have carried a gun. Theo had no weapon throughout the entire movie-- and no shoes through most of it either. While Jack doesn't need shoes or a gun, he's a professional and he would manage to have these items to further maximize his kill potential. Second, Jack would have figured out the species-wide female infertility was Nina Myers' fault. Her ice-cold ovaries condition was weaponized as an airborne agent that had a pandemic effect on all women by 2027. With that mystery solved, Jack would have put humanity back on track-- and in less than 24 hours! That being said, Theo was crafty, and Bauer appreciates that approach. Oddly, they would have agreed on a lot of the same strategy throughout the film, except Jack would have added a few more throat-punches. COPY THAT!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

R.I.P. The Black Sack

A eulogy by The Jack Sack

The Black Sack, along with his partner Curtis Manning, died while defending this nation at 9:51AM this morning. I come here before you to honor The Black Sack's service to this nation, and to remember a dear, courageous friend.

The Black Sack and I first met in CTU special training back in 2001. He was a sack's sack all the way. When other sacks thought they couldn't carry their load, The Black Sack was there to lift up their shoulder straps. The Black Sack was an example of professionalism and courage. I remember seeing him carry his first brick of C-4. While we were all scared of the stuff, The Black Sack just smiled and said "Brother, how else are we gonna blow up these terrorists?" He always knew why we were there. And he always knew the risks that went with the job.

When CTU assigned Curtis Manning to work with The Black Sack, things weren't easy from the get-go. Curtis told Bill Buchanan "Hell no am I wearing that man-purse! I'll carry my shit in my leather jacket, like I always do!" The Black Sack was patient and professional, as always. Then one day, Curtis was running a field op in the Port of Los Angeles when he realized that he needed a second tactical team to provide cover fire. To make the call, he reached for his cell phone only to find it had run out of battery power. The backup batteries were in The Black Sack, which he left back at CTU headquarters. Or so he thought.

Nope, The Black Sack brushed aside Curtis' dismissive nature and made his way down to the Port on his own, taking the City bus, an efficient method of transport which I suggest all Los Angelinos use to help alleviate traffic buildups. Anyway, The Black Sack arrived and found Curtis under heavy fire. Without saying a word, the two partners worked together (back-up batteries and extra ammo clips aplenty!) and managed to quell the terrorists and save the day.

And from that day forward, The Black Sack and Curtis Manning were a team. And I remember finally meeting up with The Black Sack again when Jack Bauer rode along with Curtis on the way to take down one of Marwarn's lieutenants. I remember looking over at The Black Sack and him saying to me "Yo, Jack Sack, don't trust these terrorists. Your boy Jack is always giving out immunity. Me and Curtis don't like that. We refuse to carry a written pardon from the President of the United States." Looking back, I should have known that this day would come. The Black Sack never negotiated with the bad guys. I would tell him "We're running out of time! It's not our call to make anyway!" But The Black Sack never saw it that way, he said "A motherfucking terrorist is just that, brother." Maybe that was short-sighted, but the sack was firm in his beliefs, and I respect that.

What else is there to say? I miss The Black Sack's smile, I miss his jokes and I miss seeing him around the office. I used to tease The Black Sack about all the crazy stuff Curtis made him carry around- hand moisturizer, tweezers, and an extra silk shirt. Well, he took all my kidding in stride. He would say back to me "At least I don't carry a heroin kit!" ZING! Yep, Jack is always up to something, that's for sure...

Well, the day isn't over, and we still have a bunch of "motherfucking terrorists" out there causing all sorts of Hell on Earth. While we are mourning the loss of The Black Sack (and a large portion of Los Angeles in that nuke blast), it now falls on us remaining sacks to finish the job. We owe it to The Black Sack's memory to save the day. I'm gonna miss you, brother... DAMMIT!

Vaya con Dios, 'mano. Vaya con Dios.