Previously on 24: Jack killed Dana Walsh and millions of TV viewers popped champagne corks...
Chico, Jr. proves he is not Mike Doyle in the first ten seconds of the episode. Nice positive ID on your ex, Chico!
Meanwhile, Jack reviews the super-secret recording in which only half the video is spoken in English. What's with this Ruskie dude's warbling? This actor makes Walter Koenig sound like a genuine Soviet Socialist.
Jack contacts Mr. Blonde seeking an ID on the Russian Mush-Mouth (Rush-Mouth). Mr. Blonde asks if Jack wants to ID the woman in the video too. Jack delivers the deadpan "She's dead" in reply, which was probably the funniest moment of this joyless season of the show. When Jack gets to Mr. Blonde's "Fortress of Soldiertude" he is forced to tell Mr. Blonde that he's wants revenge, not justice. Revenge is good enough for Mr. Blonde, and he gives Jack the name of the Russian.
Jack, showing he's the craftiest dude on the planet, calls the one reporter that gives a damn about who killed President Hassan- Jessica Stein. It takes Jack twenty seconds to convince Jessica Stein to help take down the whole system. Word!
Back at CTU, Chico, Jr. faces down Logan's lapdog in a fantastic act of useless heroism. It turns out the keywords "Hassan" "coverup" "lying bastards" "Russian sons of bitches" turns of a hit on the NSA's listening station! America, you've been warned about the NSA's abilities to infiltrate your phone conversations. So, the next time you want to discuss "underage girls" and "Lawrence Taylor" be prepared for an inquisition. Logan's manservant ditches his worthless conversation with Chico, Jr. and decides to let his supermodel assistant take over the investigation. Ah, the evil ones are so sexy and brilliant!
Speaking of sexy and brilliant, Charles Logan is told of this "major break" and he lavishes his manservant with ridiculously premature praise. Little do these bastards know that Chloe O'Brian is still Chloe and she will not take a cover-up standing down. Dissatisfied with the evil that surrounds them, Arlo and Chloe band together to cut through the cloudy walls of CTU. Who knew Arlo would finally become useful? Mazel tov!
Back in Loganville, Charles is back to ordering the murder of innocent individuals, giving Rush-Mouth the greenlight to kill Jessica Stein. There's something to be said for the professional killer-- Rush-Mouth won't off anyone without a work order. Right on, guy- we live in a world of procedural red-tape and bureaucratic back-stabbing. You get that authorization to kill an innocent person! That will absolutely absolve you of any murder charge if this whole villainous enterprise goes belly-up! Yikes...
Back at the UN, everyone has returned to their assigned seats and resumed the useless negotiations that were supposedly done hours ago. President Taylor looks like hell and the woman who lost her husband has to comfort the US President. Oh, what a world! Logan is busy creeping out Taylor in a side chat, insisting that he get some Presidential high-five for all of his awesome evildoing in making this false peace accord happen. Logan, ever the king of devious dealings senses that Taylor is losing her resolve. Will she give up the whole process at the last minute? Who knows? But Logan is now nervous, and when he gets nervous, people start dying right quick!
Jack goes to meet Jessica Stein in a turkey shoot at a shopping mall. Just as it appears that Jack will die (yeah, right) Mr. Blonde neutralizes Rush-Mouth. Even so, Logan's lackey has the whole place crawling with evildoers. Jack has to neutralize those guys on his own, escaping with Jessica Stein, Mr. Blonde and Rush-Mouth in tow. It's professionalism at its best. If I can do anything in my life with such cold efficiency as Jack Bauer, I will die a happy man. He is a national treasure, an example of the next step in human evolution. Mr. Bauer, I salute you!
Busy picking out his "comeback necktie" Logan gets the worst phone call possible from his lackey. The lackey tells Chuck to get the heck out of town, distance himself from the whole gathering shitstorm and let Taylor take the fall. To the lackey's dismay, Chuck says "No dice, kill Jack Bauer." Ordering it doesn't make it so, Chuck. The lackey knows this is a terrible idea, but he does what lackeys do, he follows his boss' terrible orders.
Arlo and Chloe work their laptops into a lather, trying to get an ID on Mr. Blonde so they can warn Jack of what he already knows- that Russians are out there trying to kill him. I'm not sure that Chloe realizes Jack's in the loop in a big way.
Back at the Fortress of Soldiertude, Jack gets to tell Rush-Mouth that he's going to make the guy's remaining minutes on Earth a miserable experience. Jack also informs Rush-Mouth that he assassinated the wrong redhead. Jessica Stein needs to be taken to another room for a "time-out" with Mr. Blonde. Holy Mother, I'm getting spun around by my own nicknames at this point!
Anyway, the interrogation starts with Rush-Mouth taunting Jack by saying "I keeeeel your bitch!" which only invites Bauer to commit a vicious attack on the dumb, cocky Ruskie. And things only get worse from there. Jack does everything he can to coax the Russian to talk. Nothing works... Jack realizes that the SIM card from Rush-Mouth's evil phone is missing and determines that it rests quietly in the poor bastard's gut. So, without even asking, Jack disembowels the dude, sorting through pierogies and a Snickers® bar to find the card. Wow. Viewer discretion is well-advised for tonight's episode! Jack puts the card into the phone and calls the last number, which conveniently identifies itself as the voicemail of President Charles Logan. Alright, now it's on for real!