Monday, September 20, 2010

24 Season 1: 11AM-12PM Outsourced Retro Review!!!

Editor's note: Before I hand off the proceedings to our guest columnist, Spencer- I want to thank everyone for their enthusiasm and willingness to take part in these retro reviews. While Spencer starts out his review by saying I may not want to continue writing reviews, I want to stress that is not exactly the case- I am not writing reviews for the near-term but I will be back sometime soon. But in the meantime, I have you guys to thank for your contributions.  Tonight, we get the twelfth hour of Season One-- what did you think of it, Spencer?

Hey everyone, it's Spencer. In case you didn't know, Adam here has decided that he may not want to continue reviewing this season (Editor's note: see my explanation above!). Yes, we're all sad. I mean, how can anyone not be sad? This is the same guy who knew that Richard Walsh deserved a postage stamp. However, sometimes, when there's a problem, there's an opportunity, and Adam has generously given us all the chance to review some episodes in his place, and we decided that the person who'd review this episode would be me. I hope that this doesn't turn into a complete disaster and that you will all enjoy this. So without further writing filler- er, important information, I present to you my review of episode 12.

"The following takes place after the episode where Jack Bauer threatens to make Ted Cofell's organs look like they're having a picnic. Shit happens in real time"

Jack is driving to where his family are being held captive with instructions from Kevin, and asks how much farther they'll have to go. Kevin says the deal was that he'll take him to his family....which apparently answers the question, and Jack says "The deal is you better hope that my wife and daughter are still alive, that's the deal." If you've seen at least a season or two of this show, you know that this is something only Jack Bauer would say, granted, maybe with a little less emphasis and psychotic lust than, say, in season 8, but ya get what I'm saying. Also, I've seen this season a few times now, and I gotta say...I really hate Kevin. Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to like him, but he's so stupid. If you gave this guy a baseball bat, he'd probably try using it as a condom.

Anyway, while this is happening, Maleficent is giving the people working at CTU info that we the audience either don't need to know or already know. She tries to be nice while doing this, and I swear to god, you should watch/rewatch this scene, because you can easily see the disgust in her face as she does her best to admire every one's efforts. I don't know who this actress is, but if she did this on purpose, she deserves an award. After Maleficent finishes tormenting herself, Tony and Nina talk to each other about Jack. Tony kinda wants her to alert Maleficent of what's going on, but Nina remains dedicated to her ex-bf, and tells Tony that he doesn't need to help her cover for Bauer, to which Tony replies by saying, "I'm not doing this for Jack.". I'm sorry, but who exactly is this guy? I don't know much about him, but he's a complete ass and, speaking as someone who's seen the whole series, I can tell you that he's never seen or mentioned again in any of the next 7 seasons. (Editor's note: HA!)

Teri and Kim, after hiding Eli's body under some rusty bathtub that I'm sure would never draw any attention if someone tried to look for him, contemplate how they're going to survive this. Teri tries to lecture Kim about what happened, and, I'm not kidding, how killing someone that raped her and tried to kill them both made her feel sick, but Kim reminds her that she's Jack's daughter and doesn't have those types of emotions, and is like "Look woman, you came from a different family, but I have my dad's genetics as much as I have yours.". During this, Eli's phone starts to ring, and Teri tells Kim to "Cover up the blood with hay.", which, for some reason that will never be discovered, Kim interprets as "Cover up the blood with hay."

Jack's still making progress on getting to them, and there's a shot of him driving that'll give you a migraine in 2 seconds. Nina calls him and tells him that he'll have to either avoid or shoot a dozen or so men, which is the equivalent of telling him to eat a cupcake. Nina wants to tell Maleficent everything so she can help, but you see audience, if that happened, Jack would look less like a bad-ass hero. After the call, Jack forces Kevin to become the driver so they can go through the guarded entrance, while Kevin pitifully tries to dissuade him from this.

Palmer is sitting in his limo, looking sullen. He knows Allstate's stand, but he's not sure if he's in good hands. Mike Novick is with him, tired and depressed that he can't find any holes in the ground to sleep in. He asks the senator what's wrong, and David tells him that Carl will stop the Kingsley story from coming out by the source of it, Faragamo, being "cut off", and is worried that something bad could happen to him. Mike thinks he's being paranoid, and when Palmer tells him that he tried calling him twice but only got his voicemail, he gets pissed at him for exposing himself in such a way, and I have to say that I don't necessarily blame the guy. If David's really brave and a little impulsive, Mike's the opposite.

Kevin manages to get passed the entrance and continues driving for a few minutes before they stop and Jack starts asking questions. Kevin acts like a 5-year-old getting a shot, acting as uncooperative as possible and asks Jack if he thinks that rescuing his family will make up for how he screwed up his marriage. Yes genius, try to provoke the guy that's pointing a gun at you. He then tells Jack that Teri's felt lonely and as a result almost gets his head stuck in the steering wheel. Wow, isn't this guy so smart? Jack continues to ask questions, and Kevin tries to fight him or something like that, but Jack's like, "Ha! I know crappy Kung-fu, too!" and hits the guy about a hundred times. This ends up knocking him out.

Faragamo finally gets Palmer's calls and calls the senator back, and guess what? He turns out to be an absolute douche from doucheland who is completely unable to interpret what anyone says into basic English. I really hate the guy and hope that he di- and guess what? He gets his non-English speaking ass blown up, no doubt by Carl. Palmer gets to see the building himself and now wants to confront Carl on it, while Mike tries to play stupid with him and keeps saying, "Maybe it was an accident." (Editor's note: a classic 24- moment- I absolutely love it).

Jack is getting closer and closer to the exact place that Teri and Kim are. At this point, the audience will realize something that might surprise them; The season's only half over, and Jack's actually going to rescue his family. In most shows, this would've probably been at least about 20 hours of Teri and Kim being stuck in the little hay house while Jack battles constipation, but this isn't most shows- this is 24, and it's not season 8, so things are actually going to progress through the season.

And this is the moment that everyone's waiting for- Jack finally finding these damn women. Teri almost shoots him in the head by accident, but that's forgivable. However, if she had a knife instead of a gun, and Jack was wearing glasses- never mind (Editor's note: Awww, you zinged Renee Walker! Heh, funny how the show repeats itself). But Jack sees them and is all nice and huggy. Rick opens the door, wanting to be accepted by someone, and Jack's not all nice and huggy. However, he agrees to let him help them escape, during which Teri begins to have stomach problems. Teri, of all characters, having "sniggers" stomach problems this season?

Tony and Nina are still playing....World of Witchcraft, and Maleficent is pissed off because of her earlier attempt at being nice, and she is now left with an extra period, so naturally, she tries to fuck up everything by interrogating each of them until one of them tells her where Jack is, but Jack calls in time to tell her where he is so that CTU air-support can come and be just slow and useless enough for him to kill all the bad guys. All appears to be going well until Kensuke Miyagi finds Kevin, tied up in seatbelts rather than smothered to death, which would've been faster and easier.

Jack and the gang try to escape by van, but get into some trouble with Ira and his men, which is....pretty much Jack's fault. He could've just killed Kevin to prevent him from telling Gaines everything, but, ya know, then the episode wouldn't have a big action-packed ending. Anyway, Kim and Teri run away to safety, while Jack and Rick shoot people. Guns are fired, terrorists die, and there's a big explosion. What more do you want to know?

And that's the episode for ya. Definitely not a bad one, even if the writing's a little weaker than usual. One thing I will say is that I don't know how Adam sets up his reviews, but I had to rewatch some of the scenes in this so many times that I think I know the lines by heart now. Alright, end transmission.

(Editor's final note: Spencer, thank you so much- you did a great job. You're right, watching the videos and reviewing them requires a lot more than just 60 minutes of viewing- scenes have to be re-played, paused, etc. It's a lot of work and I am honored by your performance. I can't wait to see what the rest of the gang comes up with next!).

25 comments:

Spencer said...

I didn't mean to imply that you don't want to continue writing reviews, just that you may not want to continue reviewing this season. That's all I was saying man, but that might be wrong too. Thanks for giving me the chance to do this.

BauerLuver said...

Wow, awesome review Spencer! That was really good, especially for a first-timer! Also highly enjoyed the editor's notes, and must admit that I like the criticism of season 8. I'll try and spare us a long wait and write the next review as soon as possible. Loving the cliffhanger endings! Bravo Spencer. Bravo.

Dietcoke said...

Spencer that was an excellent review. Thanks for taking the torch and carrying on.

Yep, that Tony is a total jerk. I think he's the mole. He is so jealous of Jack. He may have that stunningly wavey black hair but he just isn't as cool as Jack. Besides, it's clear he has the makings of a terrorist.

Dang, I was hoping that Teri would die, then Jack could be consoled in the arms of Saint Nina and they could get back together again.

Oh, and thanks for zinging Renee. She should be zinged and zinged often. (No guys, I don't mean it THAT way.)

Was it just me or was season eight the greatest hits of season one but not as dramatic?

BauerLuver said...

You're right Dietcoke- S8 was a little rehashed. I also suspect Tony (though must marvel at that hair) cuz anybody who looks suspicious I'm gonna target! Does anybody find that uuuhh-uuhh-uuh crying by Kim a tad bit on the annoying side?? Kinda drives me a little crazy!!

Spencer said...

Dietcoke- That's a descent point. I think the writers might've been trying to come full circle with that, but yeah, some of the moments in the season did feel too familiar.

BauerLuver said...

Just want to guys to know that I sent Adam my review!

Alex Getts said...

Sweet! I sent mine in, too, so this should move along like droids at Mos Eisley.

Anonymous said...

Nice review, I hope you guys will keep up the good work. But I also hope that Adam will make more reviews when he has the time.

On a slightly unrelated note, I found this video of season 8.
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qHTxiY8_gE

Spencer said...

I've been at my house for an hour and a half and I've drank three cokes. How do I feel? I feel gooooood. :)

Dietcoke said...

Spencer, I think you could be correct in that they were trying to come full circle, I think Howard even mentioned that he wanted to make it personal like season one. The problem was that it was difficult to make anything personal for Jack because at that point he only had Chloe and Kim. Trying to turn a day and a half relationship into the thing that sends Jack over the edge just wasn't believable for me.

There were way to many scenes that were "redos" with new characters.

Dietcoke said...

BauerLover, I was annoyed with Kim most of the time up until season 7.

Alex Getts said...

I think Season 7 was much more personal with the Tony angle. While I think Renee was important to Jack, Dietcoke said it best: "Trying to turn a day and a half relationship into the thing that sends Jack over the edge just wasn't believable for me." I can understand how it would make him upset, but to blow the top like he did, not so much. However, the Darth Bauer scene was one of the coolest moments in the show, I thought.

BauerLuver said...

Completely agree, Alex. I thought it was totally understandable for Tony to go over the edge because he lost his wife, soemone that he loved and knew for years and years, but with Jack and Renee? They didn't even know each other two whole days, and while Jack mightv' cared about her, that wasn't enough realistically to send him over the edge like that.

Spencer said...

BauerLuver/Alex- I'm guessing they saw eachother, or at least talked on the phone, for more days than that.

And remember- Jack at least didn't go through with his revenge.

BauerLuver said...

Actually, they made it clear in the beginning of S8 that Jack and Renee hadn't talked at all. Renee just kinda went a little wa-wa over everything in S7, and didnt answer Jack's calls or anything. (they explain this in the early episodes)

Spencer said...

Ah. But ya know, he might've fantasized about he a lot. I would've. :)

Spencer said...

her, not he, lol

BauerLuver said...

Haha yeah maybe... I just never was a fan of renee a whole lot just because I didn't really like her character a whole lot and I also thought it was kinda wrong what she and jack did cuz they didn't really know each other and they did it before marriage and everything... The whole thing was just wrong and uncomfortable for me. Tonys quest for vengeance made way more sense because of his long relationship with Michelle, his character, and, quite frankly, how much he loved and cared for her. Season 7 just made way more sense because of it, and felt right and like it made sense for ne.

Spencer said...

I think there's a time where two people fall in love with eachother very early but don't say that they do. This was probably the case with Jack and Renee. For Jack, Renee represented the last light and the last hope for him to be someone because she knew what it was like to suffer in ways close to how he felt. They'd both probably be lonely with someone else, and for fuck's sake, after all that they went through, they needed to screw. But when Renee died,...yeah, I understand how that really hurt Jack's mind.

BauerLuver said...

Well, I'm not quite sure I see it the same way, but I kinda get what you're saying. For me, however, Tony and Michelle will always be my favorite tho because of their long relationship and the fact they were married. I know that Jack could use some love, I just wish it hadn't been so rushed and expressed the way it was.

Dietcoke said...

I wasn't a fan of Renee's after she lost her cool with Jack in the hospital and attacked him in season 7. Then when they rewrote her backstory and turned her into a mentally unstable Lizzie Borden I liked her even less.

I have to admit their relationship affected how I felt about Jack. A first kiss and he's hauling her off to the bedroom? Not sexy at all. On the other hand the extended prequel to season 4 with Audrey was just steamy! Oh, the good 'ol days when Jack was good at foreplay. ;-)

BauerLuver said...

Completed agree Dietcoke... although morally I must say that I would have preferred Audrey and Jack being married, but that made WAY more sense than that Renee nonsense... it felt like the writers had decided to shoot it 3 minutes before actually filming it!!! Tony and Michelle, I love you forever, and to me, theyre hands down the couple on the show that feel the realest and make sense!!

Dietcoke said...

BauerLover, I understand that you wish they had been married and I believe if Audrey hadn't gone to China to look for Jack they would have gotten back together and married after season six.

I agree that Tony and Michelle were a great couple. As much as he loved Michelle, I still didn't buy that Tony would kill innocent people just to revenge Michelle's death.

I really loved season 7 up until the "Tony's a terrorist" part. That was used as a plot device and really went against character. IMHO.

Mary Lynn said on twitter that she went to the writers to talk about what they were going to do to her character in season 8. She said she was concerned because she knew they often sacrificed character for plot and she didn't want that to happen to Chloe.

BauerLuver said...

I dunno...Tony always had that tendency to get a little angry or depressed when life wasn't going his way, and we also see what he would rather do than lose lovely Michelle, so I think that, especially when they got out of CTU together, to still see her end up dead, that was the tipping point. I actually like the "Tony's bad" thing, but it's also a little more complex than that, so I get what you mean.

Dietcoke said...

BauerLuver, I truly understand that you and most everyone else loved evil Tony. I really liked Tony but I didn't like him in the final story arc of season 7.

We all like the show for different reasons.

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