Editor's note: This is the 3rd in our outsourced reviews series. Tonight, we get the mastermind of the outsourced project's very own work and it's quite excellent. Alex, thank you for your contribution and your leadership- you've helped keep this site going and I am truly grateful.
Jack and his family ride in a helicopter back to CTU. (Editor's note: don't you mean the CHOPPAH?) Finally cracking a smile, Jack asks Teri and Kim if they’re okay. They say that they are and land on the ground. Teri has some stomach pain, and Jack asks if she’s okay. She says she’s been feeling ill for the last couple of hours. Jack offers her some Pepto-Bismol. Teri prefers Pink Bismuth, so they settle on Teri and Kim going to the hospital.
Before they land, Alberta asks a question she should have had an answer to before she even asked it. Nina rolls her eyes at this, which throws Alberta into a fit. As soon as Jack’s family is clear, she tells him he is under arrest.
Jack asks Nina to make sure his family is okay. Nina tells him that Green has her polishing her extra shoes, but Jack tells her he doesn’t care and that he’s pretty sure Tony has nothing better to do. Jack is taken to an interrogation room and asks for some water.
Nina B.S.es with Alberta, who tells her she can smell B.S. from a mile away. Nina says that she is going to look after Teri and Kim. Greene says it’s cool, but that Tony needs to drop everything he’s doing and cover for her. I’m beginning to wonder why Tony puts up with this?
Palmer goes over some numbers with his assistant. He wants to make sure he’s still primed to wipe the floor with his Democratic colleagues. David and Sherry have a heart-to-heart, where Sherry tries to get him to cover everything up. David tells her that people financing his campaign are blackmailing him, which sets Sherry in an uproar. She can’t stand that someone other than her got David to do exactly what she wanted. David tells her that “this is what happens when you try to cover things up,” and Sherry tells him that since he dropped out of the Seminary, he has no right to preach to her, that’s what her rabbi is for.
Teri and Kim arrive at the hospital wearing CTU-issued Snuggies. The doctor wants to get an ultrasound on Teri, but she says it’s nothing, just the microwave burrito she had at 11:55 the night before. Kim says she ate the last burrito at 10:30, and is dismissed. Teri admits to what happened at the compound, and the doctor arranges for Teri to be taken care of.
Mike tells Palmer he needs to meet with a couple of other Senators in order to get some extra support. Palmer doesn’t want to be seen with them, but Mike assures him that he’s in good hands. Palmer says that sounds like a good campaign slogan, and puts Mike to work with promoting it in all states. Mike mentions that he’s afraid the business with Ferragamo is getting to him. Like Batman, Keith drops from the ceiling and asks what’s up with the doctor. Palmer says that there was a fire in his office. Mike leaves, and Palmer says he’s sorry, but that Ferragamo burned alive. Keith, still on his Batman high, puts the pieces together that Ferragamo’s death is linked to Palmer’s campaign. Palmer and Keith go at it and Keith breaks down. David tells him that he needs to trust him, and that they can’t go to the police yet.
Back at CTU, Chappelle walks in. Ominous music plays behind him. He says hi to Tony, who plays it cool. Milo quits Facebook-stalking some sixteen-year-old named Nadia for a minute and asks Tony what will happen to Jack. Tony says that they won’t name a street after him, but it’s possible he’ll get a dedicatory statue. Chappelle and Jack start a recorded interrogation.
Nina arrives at the hospital and goes to Teri’s room. Some guy is poking around, and says he’s with the FBI. Nina shrugs it off and finds Teri and Kim. Teri is surprised to see Nina, who then introduces herself to Kim, who puts down her Cougar Town coloring book before she says hello. Everyone asks when they can see Jack, and Nina tries to pound it through their heads that a lot of crap has gone down and that things aren’t so simple. Teri thanks Nina for helping save them and tells Kim that they’ll probably see Jack soon. Nina returns to Teri’s old room, only to find that the FBI agent is gone. She finds an FBI Agent and asks to speak to her partner, but he isn’t the man she saw in the room earlier. Nina asks if anyone else is there, and the Agent says no. Nina asks if she’s sure, and the Agent asks if the Pope is Catholic.
Jack explains why he did what he did, and Chappelle says that any loving father would indeed grab a gun a storm a compound like a one-man army to save their family. Nonetheless, he says that CTU protocol must be followed, and since Jack forgot to cross his T’s and dot his I’s, he can’t be reinstated. Jack tells him that’s a load, and that Palmer is still in danger, and that he can help. Ryan says maybe, if the Justice Department doesn’t sauté him with a little jail time. Nina calls and tells him that she thinks there might be another mole in CTU, effectively clearing her of all suspicion. Jack says he thinks so, too. Jamie spent too much time playing Freecell to do what she did on her own, and they think that there may be more going on than they realize.
Green asks Tony what’s up. Milo quickly logs off of this Nadia girl’s Twitter page and pulls up some spreadsheets. Tony tells Green that they suspect three other shooters have come to Los Angeles in order to carry out the Palmer hit in case Jack failed.
Right at that moment, a guy is spying on something other than California Gurls. We see that it’s Kevin Carroll, with a bang-up nose job. He calls Andre Drazen, and tells him that Gaines is dead. He tells him that he told Gaines his plan was flawed, and that he can fix Gaine’s problem. He hangs up on Kevin, just as Peeping Tom detonates a bomb hidden in Kevin’s desert garage. Tom asks him if there’s anything left in his truck, but Kevin tells him to eat rocks. Tom shoots him. BANG!
Green and Tony discuss whether Palmer should stay in Los Angeles or not. Tony says that Palmer needs to bail like a crowd at a Kevin Federline concert. Green likes Tony’s style and tells him that she thinks he can do better than being #3 at CTU. She wants him to sell Jack out.
Alberta goes to Jack’s interrogation room where the man finally has a chance to eat. Never missing an opportunity to screw something up for Jack, Green interrupts his meal. She tells Jack she needs to question him, and Jack says he needs to speak with his family first. She says that can’t happen and Jack tells her to stuff her pleasantries. They go on with the questioning, pleasantries stuffed.
Nina calls Tony and has him send over someone to get prints off of the phone that FBI Agent Phony McCreepy touched. She thinks he’s bogus and wants to prove it. This proves without a doubt that Nina is a force for good in the world.
Back at Palmer HQ, Keith and Sherry duke it out. He tells her that they can’t cover up Ferragamo’s death. She demands to know why not, and Keith says that while covering up an accidental death is totally cool, out-and-out murder isn’t and something needs to be done. He says he’s going to go to the police, and Sherry says that she’ll have Secret Service drop him. She says that he needs to understand and respect his parent’s decision while giving him the Donald Trump “you’re fired!” hand. David comes in and tells them that they family needs to leave California because of additional threats. She asks where they’re going and he tells her that they’re going to Nevada where they can enjoy booze and gambling. Sherry tells Keith that he’s too young for either, but that he’ll have a fun time at Circus Circus.
Chappelle calls Tony in for his statement on Jack’s actions. Ryan puts the pressure on saying that Tony’s testimony may decide whether Jack stays, or if charges are pressed. Tony gives a chuckle and then becomes a man worthy of that soul patch when he tells Ryan that Jack may not be his favorite person, but that there’s no way he’d disapprove of anything Jack’s done. Ryan drops a brick in his pants and realizes Tony’s checkmated him three different ways.
In Palmer’s motorcade, Mike tells Palmer that he’s found out who Jack Bauer is. Palmer realizes this is sensitive material and leans in closer to Mike to ensure that Keith and Sherry don’t hear. Mike, however, doesn’t get the clue and talks at the same volume, totally ruining the moment. Palmer then does the exact same thing, but Sherry pretends not to know any different, so it’s all cool.
Back at the hotel, Palmer’s assistant, Elizabeth, tells some of the other staff she’s going to catch a later flight so that she can spend time with her family in California. They don’t think anything of this since she does this in every state they visit. Lady has a huge family. Anyway, she goes to room 1243, and Peeping Tom opens the door! What?! Elizabeth used Grandma as an excuse to shack up with Tom! GRANDMA! I don’t know what this lady’s deal is, but this just hit me like a letter opener to the gut.
Back at the hospital, Nina debates the merits of capitalist medicine vs. socialized medicine while the forensics guy dusts for prints. He tells her he’s an anarchist and doesn’t care, and that no prints were on the phone. Nina says that’s bogus and that she saw the guy handle the phone. He thinks that she may have seen a ghost, and gives her the number of a paranormal investigation crew. She asks if it could have been a professional, and he says that’s also a possibility.
Green continues to grill Jack, while Nina calls. She wants to move Kim and Teri to a safe house immediately. Alberta goes along with it.
The doctor tells Teri that she had a cyst that ruptured, hence her stomach pain. She says it’s possible that Teri is pregnant. The doctor and Teri discuss girly things, but it’s not as uncomfortable as you’d think since they’re both women. Nina comes in and Teri thinks that she’s come to join the party, but Nina’s really come to crash it. She says that they need to go to the safehouse now. The doctor says that they were just about to paint each other’s nails, but Nina says they can do that at the safehouse. Everyone leaves, but the doctor says she’ll have to come after she finishes with all of her other patients. Everyone is very saddened by this, but a girl’s gotta pay the bills.
Nina thinks she sees Agent McCreepy, but he bails before she can get a good glimpse at him. He calls someone presumably creepier, and says that the girls have left. Ominous music swells.
But hey, it’s not over yet! David Palmer enters CTU. As people notice, they try to find they’re Palmer campaign signs and a Sharpie. Tony rolls his eyes at this, gets up, and goes straight to Palmer. He asks him if there’s anything he can do for him. Palmer realizes that this is a man worthy of the soul patch and tells him he’s there to see Jack Bauer.
1:59:57 – 1:59:58 – 1:59:59 – 2:00:00
Editor's note: I usually like to chime in and interrupt these reviews with my wisecrackin' but as I read (and re-read) this review, I wanted to make sure I didn't mess with its excellent rhythm. And this is Chappelle's first appearance- epic in the history of this show. It seems like the higher the writers went up the CTU ladder, the bigger jerks they found to obstruct Jack and his mission to save the day.
Alex- thank you for your review and I hope you, BL, Spencer and others write more soon. Thank you all!